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Lucky Jokes


03/10/2010 01:01 AM
A new hearing aid.
An old man was talking to his neighbor. “I just bought a new hearing aid,” he says. “It cost me $4,000, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” his neighbor says. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty,” the old man says.

03/09/2010 02:33 AM
“How to Get Your Way”
A book never written: “How to Get Your Way” by Dick Tate.

03/08/2010 01:01 AM
Why the chipmunk went to space.
Pedro: Why did the chipmunk go to space? Boss: I don’t know. Pedro: To find an astro-nut!

03/07/2010 01:01 AM
Daffynition: Illegal
Daffynition: Illegal—A sick bird.

03/05/2010 01:36 AM
Freeze at the drive-in.
Stephan: Did you hear about the two guys who froze at a drive-in movie? Daniel: No. What happened? Stephan: They had gone to see “Closed for Winter”!

03/03/2010 01:48 AM
“How to Cross the Street”
A book never written: “How to Cross the Street” by A.J. Walker.

03/02/2010 02:25 AM
What instrument the Egyptians played.
Gregory: What instrument did the Egyptians play while writing hieroglyphics? Joshua: I don’t know. Gregory: The cymbals!

03/01/2010 02:47 AM
Never feed a computer.
Ben: What should you never feed a computer? Adam: I’m stumped. Ben: Spam!

02/28/2010 02:22 AM
“Tropical Getaways”
A book never written: “Tropical Getaways” by Sandy Beech.

02/27/2010 01:01 AM
Where French fries are born.
Bob: Where are French fries born? Rob: Where? Bob: Greece!



03/13/2010 12:00 AM
Julian McCullough: Drunk Girl Orgasm
Trying to get a drunk girl to finish is like trying to take a drunk girl home when she can't remember where she lives. She's like, 'That's not it, that's not it, that's not it.'

03/02/2010 12:00 AM
Shane Mauss: Freakishly Skinny
I've been freakishly skinny my entire life because there's a hole in my butt.

02/09/2010 12:15 AM
Sinbad: Climb Mountains
Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do, want to climb mountains. It's right there -- you ain't got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?

02/05/2010 12:00 AM
Charlie Murphy: 6.5 Billion People on the Planet
To put that number in perspective, 6.5 billion people is so many people that anything that's humanely imaginable, as you imagine it, somewhere on the planet, there is a motherf**ker doing it.

02/03/2010 12:00 AM
Pete Holmes: I Love New York
There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that's true. 'Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- there's always something to blame it on.

12/02/2009 12:15 AM
Jon Lajoie: Mysteries of the Universe
I have this thing that I do called 'Mysteries of the Universe,' when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor.

12/01/2008 03:33 AM
Walks Into a Bar... Vampires
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

12/01/2008 03:33 AM
Women and Bad Weather
Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?

A: They all get the house.

12/01/2008 03:33 AM
Ultimate Rejection
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

12/01/2008 03:33 AM
Men and Snowstorms
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?

A: You don't know when it's going to come, how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last.

10/30/2008 06:11 AM
Love and Herpes?
Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?

A: Herpes lasts forever.

10/30/2008 06:11 AM
Boiled Egg
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I don't think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

10/30/2008 06:11 AM
Smallness
You're so small that when it rains you're the last to know!

10/30/2008 12:15 AM
Natasha Leggero: Male Comics
Male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'Hey, Natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

10/30/2008 12:15 AM
Julian McCullough: Male Cleaning Schedule
I used to live with five straight guys and -- ew, the cleaning schedule was 'nope.'

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