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11/12/2011 12:00 AM
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| T.J. Miller: Holding a Baby
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This woman wouldn't let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, don't bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.
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11/12/2011 12:00 AM
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| T.J. Miller: Drinking Mimosas
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If you're drinking champagne at 8 a.m. you're an alcoholic, but if you add orange juice it's just an early brunch.
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11/12/2011 12:00 AM
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| T.J. Miller: Open Source Coding Joke
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This area of Colorado, right around here in Boulder, has the highest cases of pedophilia per capita of anywhere else in Colorado. Did you know that? It's true; I read it in Wikipedia. I mean I put it in there, but I read it right after.
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07/27/2011 12:00 AM
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| Michael Ian Black: Pills
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I don't drink, and I don't do drugs, but I'll take a pill. I'll take any pill, you know what I mean? 'Cause pills can't hurt me! 'Cause they're made by companies.
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04/30/2011 12:15 AM
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| Kirk Fox: Defibrillator
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You've got seconds to live, and whoever invented this thing gave it five syllables. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of a rush job? ... Shouldn't they at least call it defibrillnow?
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04/29/2011 12:00 AM
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| Kumail Nanjiani: Racist Comebacks
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Most of the people who are racist to me are white, and it's very tricky to try and be racist to white people. What am I going to be, like, 'Oh, I'm Kumar? Well, you're the lead in most movies that come out.'
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04/08/2011 12:00 AM
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| Anthony Jeselnik: Christmas Gifts
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This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, 'Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox.' You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine -- because I got her an Xbox.
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03/25/2011 12:00 AM
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| Pete Holmes: The Museum
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I don't care about the museum, I only care that people think I'm the kind of guy who goes to museums.
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03/10/2011 12:00 AM
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| Daniel Tosh: Blaming the Amish
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Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'F**k that.'
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03/10/2011 12:00 AM
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| Daniel Tosh: Sex With a Condom
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She says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'
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02/25/2011 12:00 AM
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| Chelsea Peretti: Men and Women Fears
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I read somewhere that men's biggest fear is that women will laugh at them. And women's biggest fear is that men will kill them. Kind of different stakes that we're working with. But that's why I don't make jokes during sex -- 'cause I think of stuff that I think would be funny all the time. But I just don't say it 'cause I don't want to be killed.
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02/25/2011 12:00 AM
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| Chelsea Peretti: Getting Attacked
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I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like I'd try to pick my nose and just be gross. In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy who'd just be like, 'Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.'
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01/14/2011 12:15 AM
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| Shane Mauss: Girlfriend Strip Club
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I told Maggie I wanted to go to a strip club. She said this to me, she goes, 'What do you want to go to a strip club for? I'll strip for you.' I was like, 'How great is that? I guess I'll just tell my friends to come over here.'
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